Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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