Don't you send me to vm
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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