I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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