i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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