your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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