I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
