Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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