I wish I could teleport
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
