Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
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Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
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I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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