i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
