If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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