the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
