i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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