i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
