his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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