so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
