Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
