can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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