bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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