I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
