First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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