the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
