..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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