I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Randomize
