No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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