Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
