So drunk its hurt
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
