well you can't waste a boner
fuck your aforementioned shoe
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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