What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
