i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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