woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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