Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
