dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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