Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
