You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
