guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize