my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
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