how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
