$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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