i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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