this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
