NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
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Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
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THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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