he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
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Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
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Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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