its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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