Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
