Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
