Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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