So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
