Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
