I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
hotel room ftw
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
