i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
