You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
40s are totally the cure
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Randomize
