Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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