Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
