my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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