I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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