My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
